Yesterday marked one month until Hunter's surgery and in 2 days it will already be March.
March has always been my favorite month. (with the exception of tax season of course...)
My daddy/superhero's birthday is the 2nd, my birthday is the 19th, and this past year, Hunter also made the cut to be born in the best month of the year, so he snagged March 12th. Welcome to the club big guy :) I also have a few close friends whose birthdays fall in March, so we always try to use that as an excuse to get together.
I am looking forward to celebrating my daddy's birthday on Friday with the fam :)
I am looking forward to celebrating Hunter's birthday at his party March 10th with family and friends, but I am not looking forward to throwing this party on a day that I also have to put in some hours at work.
I am looking forward to Hunter's actual birthday, March 12th... marking one year that we have been blessed to be part of God's little miraculous plan with Hunter.
I am not looking forward to his 1 year shots the morning of March 12th.
I am looking forward to March 27th, the day that will change our lives, most of all his, forever.
Then again I am not looking forward to March 27th. For selfish (emotional) mommy reasons of course.
I am looking forward to March, yet my emotions lately have been like a roller coaster just anticipating everything coming up. I feel like the closer we get to Hunter's birthday and the closer we get to the surgery date... the more my memory of the day we found out Hunter was deaf keeps tugging at my heart. In mass on Sunday, when all of the kids went up to get their bulletins, I just couldn't help but think of Hunter running up there one day, CIs and all, unlike any other kid there. It brings me back to Easter Sunday last year, after I put Hunter to sleep I lay in my husbands arms weeping. Seeing all of the children in our family together that day made me mourn the fact that I thought Hunter may never be like them. He wasn't holding his head up, we weren't even sure he was making eye contact, and most of all, he wasn't hearing any part of "I love you" from anyone. And look how far he has come.
I am 110% grateful for the opportunity to give Hunter the gift of hearing, I am just scared for him and how he will be treated by others. I know he won't even notice for a while, but I will. And I feel selfish for saying that. That it will bother me when people may stare at my child, knowing that the reason they are staring is overall an amazing reason. A deaf child... who was giving the gift of sound.
I am not looking forward to the struggles in the road that lies ahead of us. I am scared.to.death. in fact. Scared that I don't do a good enough job of being Hunter's therapist. Scared that I don't perform to the high standards that so many other mothers have set when it comes to raising a CI child. I would love for Hunter to be that child that starts talking only months after activation, but at the same time I don't want to be let down if he isn't. I would love for Hunter to be that child that can be mainstreamed when he starts school, yet I know it doesn't happen for everyone.
Whatever lies ahead of us, in the grand scheme of things... it could be much worse. I have a healthy happy baby, and I thank God every day. So whatever His plan is, as I have said before, I am grateful to just be a part of it. And I will do everything in my power to give my child the opportunity to succeed. I promise nothing less.
Stay tuned for 1 year pictures... It's cuteness on overload :)
I totally relate to how you are feeling. I grew really anxious as Sophie's activation day approached. I think it was mixture of being overwhelmed by all of the new gear, nervous about how it would look, and the hard work we would have ahead. I questioned several times whether we were doing the right thing - even though I knew we were.
ReplyDeleteEverything is going to be fine. It will be great, actually - so exciting and thrilling to watch Hunter's language develop that you will hardly notice the hard work. And I can tell by reading your blog that you are a great therapist and he is lucky to have you. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be worrying that you aren't doing enough. Last - remember that each child is different and try not to put pressure on yourself. He is going to get there in his own time and that will only make each little step along the way much more celebrated. You will NEVER take anything he does or says for granted. :)
I can't wait to read all about this exicting month ahead!
- Emily